Society's Six Credentials
Inspired by a friend's blog (on the right, Maggie's Blog), I've decided to address the marriage issue in the form of a list. The reason for which it is so difficult to get married for Arab girls in our standing (living and probably born in America; in college or in the working world after college; and significantly more strong-minded than the average FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) girl.
I doubt it's the lack of men out there that is contributing to the problem, but it's the lack of eligible men. So what constitutes as eligible? Unfortunately, for girls like Maggie and I, the window of eligibility is pretty narrow. Here are some creds for a guy it would be "acceptable" for us to marry:
1. Man must be college educated, if not with higher educational standing (Masters, PhD): The reason for this very important requirement is that a girl will need to marry her educational equal or superior, naturally, for a stable household (both economically and emotionally --there is no way a man will stand for his wife making more money than he does and sustaining the household. If this occurs, the household is in major turbulence). Studies have shown that men with college educations make more than men who are purely high school educated and, more impotantly, more than women who are college educated. Thus, if the girl were to finish solely college, which is pretty much expected, her husband needs to finish college at least, if not more. If the girl decides to go on after college to attain her Master's or her PhD, that will close her window of marriage opportunity even more, unfortunately.
2. Man must be from a family that is of the same or high socio-economic standing: This seems a bit self-explanatory, but it is important to understand that in an Arab society, which allows for much less vertical social mobility, this is even more important. Interestingly enough, and also pretty annoying for many of the girls is that it is okay for a man to marry into a lower social caste, leaving the girls in his social level less prone to marriage, for their prospects are diminished.
3. Man must have a promising future: This seems as kind of a pick-and-choose, or optional, credential for a marriage prospect, especially with the aforementioned things, wouldn't that be already established? There is more to that comment, though. To have a promising future, a man needs to have ambition and some sort of plan. Not willy-nilly-I'm-not-sure-what-I'm-doing-after-I-get-out-of-school outlook. No father would allow his daughter to marry someone without a plan or ambition. For those of you who have seen "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler, he would never successfully marry an Arab girl (even if he wasn't Jewish and American...).
Along with having a promising future, the man must have a stable career and income. The prospect of a promising future isn't enough, but there must be empirical proof for it, perse.
4. Man must be of the same religion of intended wife: In Arab culture, whatever religion you are, Muslim or Christian, people are usually pretty traditional in the way they deal with things in their religion. Even if one is not quite that religious day-to-day, once marriage is mentioned, the ceremony must be in the tradition of the religion with which one is affiliated.
...Usually parents would never accept someone who converts just to marry their daughter. Truthfully, I think that's correct. I wouldn't want someone to just go into my religion just to marry me. I think I'd need someone who is actually into my religion before even meeting me, because then I know their religion is true. I don't want some fake raising my kids. Plus, the whole conversion-for-marriage thing doesn't seem to work. Most shocking example: one girl I knew a while back got married to this Christian American man who converted to Islam to marry her. On their flight to their honeymoon, he drank scotch on the rocks and had a ham sandwich, even with a kosher option available. When she asked him what he was doing, he told her to get used to it that he was "just Muslim by name". Hmmm...?
5. Man must display scruples: Get your mind outta the gutter, I mean scruples (or principles) for real. To marry an Arab girl of good standing, a man must show that he was well-bred with a strong spine and a courageous stance in any situation. I'm not sure of an exact list of ways to show your scruples, but for example, a man with intent to marry a girl, once engaged, may bring her home at an early hour and be sure to let the parents know that it was he who insisted she should be home at a decent hour, or if she comes home alone, be sure to call her and make sure that she got home okay. Or perhaps display some sense of chivalry.
6. Man must speak same language and have same cultural background as woman: Sure, speaking the same language is a given, but for us, since many of us are bilingual, the need for a man who speaks both English and Arabic is almost a necessity. I don't believe that there would be the right harmony in the relationship if there is no meeting of the minds, which also is presented in the socioeconomic and educational points. If the couple does not think the same way, then how can they agree on how to raise their children or how to present themselves to each other and to society? Sure, there are many examples of two people of different cultures coming together and having successful marriages, but where is the guarantee of every trial coming out as such?
This is a pretty concise list of credentials for a husband, and I realize that there is more to it, but this is just a list of main points. Now, even if this list is met and the husband's list for a wife's creds is met, there is still the point of chemistry. Unfortunately, it just seems impossible to get married... but don't fear ladies... I'm adamant (or hopeful) that there will be somewhere out there for each one of you.
I doubt it's the lack of men out there that is contributing to the problem, but it's the lack of eligible men. So what constitutes as eligible? Unfortunately, for girls like Maggie and I, the window of eligibility is pretty narrow. Here are some creds for a guy it would be "acceptable" for us to marry:
1. Man must be college educated, if not with higher educational standing (Masters, PhD): The reason for this very important requirement is that a girl will need to marry her educational equal or superior, naturally, for a stable household (both economically and emotionally --there is no way a man will stand for his wife making more money than he does and sustaining the household. If this occurs, the household is in major turbulence). Studies have shown that men with college educations make more than men who are purely high school educated and, more impotantly, more than women who are college educated. Thus, if the girl were to finish solely college, which is pretty much expected, her husband needs to finish college at least, if not more. If the girl decides to go on after college to attain her Master's or her PhD, that will close her window of marriage opportunity even more, unfortunately.
2. Man must be from a family that is of the same or high socio-economic standing: This seems a bit self-explanatory, but it is important to understand that in an Arab society, which allows for much less vertical social mobility, this is even more important. Interestingly enough, and also pretty annoying for many of the girls is that it is okay for a man to marry into a lower social caste, leaving the girls in his social level less prone to marriage, for their prospects are diminished.
3. Man must have a promising future: This seems as kind of a pick-and-choose, or optional, credential for a marriage prospect, especially with the aforementioned things, wouldn't that be already established? There is more to that comment, though. To have a promising future, a man needs to have ambition and some sort of plan. Not willy-nilly-I'm-not-sure-what-I'm-doing-after-I-get-out-of-school outlook. No father would allow his daughter to marry someone without a plan or ambition. For those of you who have seen "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler, he would never successfully marry an Arab girl (even if he wasn't Jewish and American...).
Along with having a promising future, the man must have a stable career and income. The prospect of a promising future isn't enough, but there must be empirical proof for it, perse.
4. Man must be of the same religion of intended wife: In Arab culture, whatever religion you are, Muslim or Christian, people are usually pretty traditional in the way they deal with things in their religion. Even if one is not quite that religious day-to-day, once marriage is mentioned, the ceremony must be in the tradition of the religion with which one is affiliated.
...Usually parents would never accept someone who converts just to marry their daughter. Truthfully, I think that's correct. I wouldn't want someone to just go into my religion just to marry me. I think I'd need someone who is actually into my religion before even meeting me, because then I know their religion is true. I don't want some fake raising my kids. Plus, the whole conversion-for-marriage thing doesn't seem to work. Most shocking example: one girl I knew a while back got married to this Christian American man who converted to Islam to marry her. On their flight to their honeymoon, he drank scotch on the rocks and had a ham sandwich, even with a kosher option available. When she asked him what he was doing, he told her to get used to it that he was "just Muslim by name". Hmmm...?
5. Man must display scruples: Get your mind outta the gutter, I mean scruples (or principles) for real. To marry an Arab girl of good standing, a man must show that he was well-bred with a strong spine and a courageous stance in any situation. I'm not sure of an exact list of ways to show your scruples, but for example, a man with intent to marry a girl, once engaged, may bring her home at an early hour and be sure to let the parents know that it was he who insisted she should be home at a decent hour, or if she comes home alone, be sure to call her and make sure that she got home okay. Or perhaps display some sense of chivalry.
6. Man must speak same language and have same cultural background as woman: Sure, speaking the same language is a given, but for us, since many of us are bilingual, the need for a man who speaks both English and Arabic is almost a necessity. I don't believe that there would be the right harmony in the relationship if there is no meeting of the minds, which also is presented in the socioeconomic and educational points. If the couple does not think the same way, then how can they agree on how to raise their children or how to present themselves to each other and to society? Sure, there are many examples of two people of different cultures coming together and having successful marriages, but where is the guarantee of every trial coming out as such?
This is a pretty concise list of credentials for a husband, and I realize that there is more to it, but this is just a list of main points. Now, even if this list is met and the husband's list for a wife's creds is met, there is still the point of chemistry. Unfortunately, it just seems impossible to get married... but don't fear ladies... I'm adamant (or hopeful) that there will be somewhere out there for each one of you.
posted by Ayah @ 3:51 PM
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