Disappointment and Forgiveness and wherever it leads...

Disappointment only occurs when one's expectations are not met. Disappointment in yourself, disappointment in friends, disappointment in your family. The last is the most piercing because it's something you feel should never happen. Family, at least, should be your rock and your wall against all winds. And friends, whose disappointment isn't as impactful as a family member's failings, still owe you something if they are to call themselves your friends. They owe you loyalty and truthfulness and compassion and openness and belief in you and support and protection and they should pounce on anyone who would try to do you wrong.

There's much to say about diappointment. I think that disappointment is far worse than anger, because you can be angry towards anyone, but when you're disappointed, that means that you had that person on a pedestal high enough for them to fail you. That means that you expected them to do something and they did not meet your expectations. When you're a little kid, you are anything but encumbered by your duties to your parents and fear them when they are angry; however, as an adult, disappointment is a much harsher punishment than anything they can do to you. Your parents' disappointment in you as an adult, they believe, reflect on their failings as caregivers and guardians, and to push them to believe they were bad parents is your worst punishment.

Disappointment in yourself is not only the worst kind of disappointment, but it also makes you lose a sense of yourself. Your whole life, you're thinking "if I don't have anyone, at least I have myself (and God)", and once you let yourself down, bouncing back up is harder than anything. You want to wallow in self-pity and eat macaroons all day. If you can't trust anyone else, you can trust yourself, and thusly, when you feel like you can't even trust your own self, your world will start crashing down around you.

Although disappointment is difficlt to overcome, one has to forgive in the end and be able to build up the relationship (if it is worth rebuilding --and you will know when it's worth rebuilding). Forgiveness takes a lot of personal strength and ability to heal. One important thing about forgiveness: forgive but never, ever forget. I feel that if you forgive, you avoid one thing that is a sin that not only affects you, but others: you avoid being unjust (in Arabic, "dhalem"). It is not your place to deem a person good or bad. You live your life and you learn from your mistakes, but even Allah gives second chances, what makes you think you can't? Now, even when you forgive someone, I suggest that you not forget (this just reflects your naiveté and dimwittedness). You need to learn from your mistakes. If someone leaks your secret, you can forgive him (after facing him with it), but obviously, unless he proves himself trustworthy, it wouldn't be the smartest thing to clue him in on another one of your secrets.

I've learned throughout the years, that our community collectively neither forgives nor forgets (specifically if you are a girl). It's like in Seinfeld when Jerry was talking about how he forgot his jacket on a bus when he was 14 and till this day his mother reminds him of his jacket when getting on/off any mode of transportation (the episode in the parking garage). Well, if forgetting your jacket on the bus can be translated into any mistake, then our community is Mrs. Seinfeld. They never let you forget anything you do wrong.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that apparently, some people think I'm a loudmouth. Translation? I leak people's secrets. Admittedly, this was true in middle school or early high school, but I've matured and learned not to put myself into other people's business. "If I keep to myself, then no harm will come to me" has been my motto since then... unfortunately, life is slightly more complicated than that. If someone is a drama queen or king, they will pull you into any drama or badmouth you into the next town if they want to, based on either previous facts, anything they know about you, or just made up stuff. For instance, concerning the loudmouth label, this person who thinks I'm a loudmouth has had firsthand experience with me refusing adamantly to spill any secrets about someone he wanted to know about. The person also knows that I have stood up for him when people were talking about him without him earning my loyalty --it was a part of my character to do this.

Really, I'm not sure of what to do anymore. I mean, you're pulled into drama even if you're living in a hut in Barbados with this community. And as a friend of mine said last night, "this community is full of animals". Is the answer just to move away and sever ties with any group in the community? It seems to me that in eschewing all major cliques in the community and staying on the outskirts of life while befriending one or two trustworthy people, one may be able to have a chance at a better quality of life. I think it's depressing that rather than joining together to create a community with a safety net for ourselves and future generations in this strange country, people are alienating each other by creating unnecessary discord. I may sound like a misanthrope, but I'm actually a Ghandi masquerading as an Oprah masquerading as a realist masquerading as a cynic... who sounds like a misanthrope.

But really, have a nice day and watch the roads. They're slippery.