Slipping Away
Sometimes I feel like people in my life are slipping away from me. It happens sometimes that best friends float away from each other, that siblings get busy, that relatives get too caught up with other things to check in on each other. For some reason, though, I've been feeling this drift even more than usual and I'm upset by it.
I don't know what triggered it. I have a couple of theories:
Ramadan: Maybe the fact that it's Ramadan makes me think of a certain kind of life that should be led during that time. I imagine families gathered around a dinner table, many ornate lanterns (or fawanees)all over my house, hearing the athan all throughout the day. Maybe it's just that I miss Egypt. I haven't been there in four years (going on five) because of reasons that shouldn't be there but just reflect my own issues and has everyone who knows about them disappointed with me. They all believed my self-confidence was more than this stupid reason.
My second theory is this: because of schedule changes and such, I feel so isolated from my closest friends (and relatives). We don't see each other as much, we don't even talk as much. And as stupid as this sounds, I even feel like I'm losing them to other people. It's so frustrating. At least I can deal with getting into a fight with someone, but just losing them while I still love them and want to spend time with them constantly is hard.
On a different note, I'm so confused about my future right now. I thought I wanted to do international law. Then I was looking at litigation. Now, I want to go back to my original idea before I even thought of law: fashion. I'm so sick of my aspirations for the world that doesn't seem like it'll ever change for the better. Every time someone fixes a problem, a new, worse one crops up. I just want to turn my back on all that and immerse myself in the fashion world. Who the hell cares about trying to solve the problems of poverty, AIDS, or WMDs in the fashion world?
Ugh... I don't know. Whatever.
I don't know what triggered it. I have a couple of theories:
Ramadan: Maybe the fact that it's Ramadan makes me think of a certain kind of life that should be led during that time. I imagine families gathered around a dinner table, many ornate lanterns (or fawanees)all over my house, hearing the athan all throughout the day. Maybe it's just that I miss Egypt. I haven't been there in four years (going on five) because of reasons that shouldn't be there but just reflect my own issues and has everyone who knows about them disappointed with me. They all believed my self-confidence was more than this stupid reason.
My second theory is this: because of schedule changes and such, I feel so isolated from my closest friends (and relatives). We don't see each other as much, we don't even talk as much. And as stupid as this sounds, I even feel like I'm losing them to other people. It's so frustrating. At least I can deal with getting into a fight with someone, but just losing them while I still love them and want to spend time with them constantly is hard.
On a different note, I'm so confused about my future right now. I thought I wanted to do international law. Then I was looking at litigation. Now, I want to go back to my original idea before I even thought of law: fashion. I'm so sick of my aspirations for the world that doesn't seem like it'll ever change for the better. Every time someone fixes a problem, a new, worse one crops up. I just want to turn my back on all that and immerse myself in the fashion world. Who the hell cares about trying to solve the problems of poverty, AIDS, or WMDs in the fashion world?
Ugh... I don't know. Whatever.
posted by Ayah @ 11:44 PM
1 Comments:
At 1:09 PM,
Stephanie said…
Ayah, run with your passion. And just because you claim something as a career does NOT mean you are bound to it. For instance, Bono, an Irish rockstar, is the leading figure in the fight against AIDS in Africa. Do both. One to make the difference and one to pour yourself into to in order to recover from MAKING the difference.
I'm not going into journalism anymore, but that will not stop the dozen novels I plan on writing in my lifetime from taking form. I'm going into Counseling Psychology and writing my bum off on the side. And it's because I have the double consciousness of needing to help people and needing to write. I choose both.
As for feeling distant from those you love, first recognize you have a higher, more substantial foundation. And in that, there is a connection between you and your family/old friends that cannot be severed, no matter the distance or time you are apart.
Reach out. If they can't reach back, they can't. If they won't, they won't. Don't be discouraged by this but rather encouraged that life is, in fact, not a stalemate.
Anyway, I miss you heaps and I need you to be my muse. I want to begin writing my first novel (like, to get it PUBLISHED) and you above most others (no joke) inspire me to write. Not only that but my storyline will SUCK without your "gentle guidance". HAH.
So help a girl out :) When can I see you next?
Take care and I hope that in your sacrifice for Ramadan you continue to realize what you need to realize.
Always
Stephanie
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